10 Things I Learned from Jason X

You never know where you'll find that next unexpected treasure trove; in my case, the most recent example being Jason X, a film I never expected to be enjoyable for a second and one whose many prequels I've never bothered with (save for the original). A brief summary of the plot: after authorities found it impossible to execute Jason Vorhees for his crimes, they opted the route of containment via cryogenic freezing. One poorly planned transfer and some 450 years later, Jason is now running amok on a futuristic spacecraft. Truly, the film is something of a marvel: bad by all traditional standards, but standing as something of a perfect distillation of schlocky 80's horror trends, with horrendous one-liners and cheap synthesizer scoring to boot. I kind of love it, in a McDonald's-ball-pit-version-of-Aliens sort of way. I'm now intrigued enough to go back and watch all those horror sequels of past -- who knows what else may be out there amongst the dreck? One hopes that Jason X will become an underdog classic of camp, what with its shameless death scenes and ridiculous climax, which essentially transforms from Jason X to Jason vs. Pris to Pris vs. The Black Knight to Uber Jason vs. Dave Bowman (the latter of which, apparently, has the power to defy gravity so as to attack from otherwise impossible right angles). Furthermore, the film proves bountiful in alerting us to what the future holds for mankind. Ten lessons to be taken from this film:

Though it remains unstated as to who else was involved in "The Microsoft Conflict," or when this war took place, we should remain on the lookout for mounting tensions between Windows and Mac users. Seems they'll be beating each other with their own severed limbs sometime down the line.

Hockey will be outlawed in the year 2024.

But it is still remembered for anthropological reasons in the year 2455. Star Trek, however, has become a forgotten relic.

Bicycles, too.

By 2455, DVD’s have become a much sought-after black market item (Was this a way of popularizing the new format via verbal, retroactive product placement?).

Turns out that Jason is capable of actual physical regrowth, in an X-Men sort of way. Maybe it's just me, but doesn't this take the fun out of the slasher paradox, that of the villain who simply can't die? I always chalked his takes-a-lickin' abilities up to supernatural force, but now it seems that we've had nothing more than a retarded T-1000 on our hands for the past 25 years.

No worries: nipple twisting is still a popular past time in the future.

A la Douglas Adams, another Earth, Earth II, will be made to replace the uninhabitable Earth I. Al Gore should absorb this evidence into his campaign.

One-sentence summary of how 1980 American culture is remembered in future history books: “We love premarital sex!”

And last, but not least: Kinky fembot sex is the key to survival against psychos with machetes.

Now who's had that fantasy, huh?

Rating: B+